Hogwarts is Hogwash: Harry Potter is TERRIBLE

Twice a week in my History of Film class I get a countdown to the day update for when Harry Potter is coming out. Don’t know. Don’t care. Let’s get on with class. I’m known in class as “The guy who hates Harry Potter.” No title has ever been truer.

When I was in about 5th grade, these weird books came out called Harry Potter and everybody went crazy. Then one more came out and people went crazy. Then one more, then more and more and more. My friends were going to book releases at midnight, then reading the entire book afterwards. I’d rather sleep, or go to the dentist, or watch a WNBA game.

Hogwarts is the only school where I openly encourage a shooting.

Most of you are probably thinking “Oh, David, you just never got into the books cus you didn’t give them a chance.” Not true. I read half of the first one, and half of the third one. And never had motivation to finish either. I’ve read quite a bit even at my Harry Potter age, including the overwhelmingly better Captain Underpants. I’ve even been to the cafe in Edinburgh, Scotland where J.K. Rowling ruined the world wrote the books. Didn’t do anything for me, so I left and bought a kilt.

This isn’t just a matter of the books and movies being bad. Twilight is bad, but I get the phenomenon there, and therefore I’m not so upset about them. HP is a global cultural phenomenon unlike anything we’ve seen before. Let me humor you with examples of sad, sad things that this trash has spawned.

There is a Quidditch World Cup held anualy in New York. So now, if you have any spare time when your done learning spells you can’t perform, or dreaming of living in a world you can’t live in, you can play a fantasy game made for the air with brooms between your legs that can’t fly (or sweep, mind you). And if you’re good enough at this, not only do you win a trophy for being on the world’s best quidditch team, but also a trophy for being one of history’s most pathetic individuals.

Here’s another great example of hogwash in Hogwarts. Check out the excerpt from an article I found.”The Israeli town of Ramle is happy that Harry Potter, a British soldier who died there in 1939, is buried in the local British military cemetery. Pvt. Potter was killed in battle at age 18, and sure, ‘there is no connection with the Harry Potter we know from literature, but the name sells, the name is marketable,’ says local tour guide Ron Peled. Ramle started promoting the tombstone at the beginning of the year, and Israeli tourists have responded in flocks.” Now people are making money off of dead soldiers who died for country because of this Harry Potter bull. I don’t know what’s worse, that this guy is selling a dead soldier’s honorable name or that people are buying it.

And I thought cocaine could ruin your life. Check out this loser – another great example of Harry Potter garbage.

I wonder if Hermione is his imaginary girlfriend. Lord knows he could never get a real one.

The books suck, but the movies are even worse. None of the main actors are going anywhere with their careers at all, and for good reason. I’ve seen most of the movies because my friends dragged me there, but there is absolutely no way I am seeing either part of the final series. That’s another thing: People are going nuts for the FIRST PART of the final movie. “OMG Let’s stand outside for hours and go to a midnight showing only to see half of a shitty movie!” I might dig a hole and hibernate when the second part of the movie comes out.

AND here’s a lil’ nugget of info for you HP lovers out there: Someone in my film class said they screwed up the ending of the first part by pulling and pushing stuff back and forth between the two films to create a climactic ending, er, break, er, intermission, er, whatever. Spoiler altert? GOOD. Sorry I’m not sorry.

There is one good part to all of this: IT’S FINALLY ALMOST OVER.

I know you don’t agree with this one, but this is what I think I think.


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